Worth Fighting For
by somewhereinthesun
Summary: “Do not let loyalty and faithfulness forsake you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart.” Proverbs 3:3. A take on Mackenzie Shepard's loyalty mission of her own - what is she fighting for? Unashamedly, Shenko.
1. Chapter 1: Barometer

**Chapter One: Barometer**

"Thanks, Crewman," Mackenzie Shepard threw over her shoulder as she waited for the shuttle door to open. The shuttle was finally back at the Normandy after a long afternoon spent on the Horizon colony. Shepard was worn out, angry, and hurt. The shuttle ride back to the Normandy had been dead silent - Garrus stared at the wall straight ahead of him while Miranda fiddled with her pistol nervously. Shepard had spent the entire trip looking out the window, watching as the colony receded into blackness as they ascended.

The shuttle's door slowly began to rise. Shepard jumped down onto the deck, then turned to look at her weary companions. Neither one of them spoke and the tension was palpable as they stood uneasily next to the shuttle. "Nice job today, team. Miranda, I'd like to see your report on my desk by tomorrow morning. Garrus, I need you working on those weapon upgrades we discussed a few days ago. They should be put into place immediately. We were way too underpowered today."

"Aye aye, Commander." Miranda nodded as she brushed by her. Shepard nodded at Garrus, who still needed to unload their heavier firepower from the shuttle, and turned to go.

"Shepard...." Garrus took a step towards her. "Are you-" He stopped.

Mackenzie didn't turn around as her emotions got the better of her. "Garrus, I appreciate the notion, but...stop."

"Yes, Commander." He said quietly, as her back retreated quickly out of the shuttle bay.

Shepard knew the Illusive Man would be expecting her to contact him, but she needed a moment to regroup. And a shower. For not the first time since taking command of the rebuilt Normandy, Shepard was grateful for her private deck and bathroom. She shed her sticky, smudged armor before gratefully turning the shower to the hottest water setting and sagging down against the wall to the floor. The water poured around her as she yanked her hair out of its squashed bun and took a long, deep breath of quickly rising hot steam.

Kaidan. Perhaps she should have tried harder to reach him, pushed The Illusive Man for more information regarding her old crew, somehow circumvented Anderson's stonewalling. But what good would it have done? She leaned her head back against the wall of the shower. Having a girlfriend come back from the dead to save the galaxy wasn't exactly a common occurrence - clearly, she couldn't be too upset over Kaidan's reaction. She couldn't imagine herself remaining calm if the roles had been reversed. No, her reaction would have been even worse. He had every right to act surprised, frustrated, and confused. Just as she had every right to feel hurt and torn down by his reaction.

What was the scientific principal her father often quoted to her, attempting to inspire his only child to have just the slightest glimmer of interest in his scientific experiments? _"Newton said: Each action has an equal and opposite reaction."_ And so it went. Cerberus's action of bringing Shepard back to life spurred an equal and opposite reaction from the people she'd been closest to. Coming back to life was the exact opposite of dying, wasn't it? No, the reaction couldn't have been less painful or less abrasive.

This realization did little to dull the pain in Shepard's chest over Kaidan's response. In the long four weeks since she had been brought back, Shepard had thought of him often. There wasn't anyone part of her new crew she trusted like Kaidan - no one to go to when she needed a sounding board, a distraction when politics got in the way, an easy conversation to remind her why she committed to the mission. Ever since that first night back on a strange, unfamiliar Cerberus space station, she had wondered how the last two years had treated him. Her musings were never happy, as much as she hoped he had been able to move on and accept her untimely demise.

The brief time they had shared - stolen moments during the hunt for Saren, the night before Ilos, a few fleeting weeks spent on shore leave back on Earth - was the strongest link Shepard felt to her past life, past crew, past body. During moments when she doubted all of the cybernetic implants and lab-grown organs had been 100% successful at bringing her back from the dead, Shepard thought of Kaidan. Even if she was breathing, her heart beating, her feet walking, it sometimes wasn't enough to convince her she was still living. The emotional response his image and associated memories predicated in her acted as a constant monitoring system - yes, she still felt it. Yes, she was still alive. Yes, this is how she had felt before. Yes, she was the same.

She would force herself to remember the good times, the quiet moments spent in conversation just outside the old Normandy's mess. She would remind herself of their constant argument over who was a better Mako driver. She would remember how the night before Ilos cemented her decision to somehow make it work. She would recall the pleasant and care-free weeks they had spent together on Earth right after the Citadel attack - winding their way through northern Canada and into Alaska, exploring beaches untouched by a rapidly growing population, watching Northern Lights dance in the night sky as satellites and shuttles zoomed in between them.

Hot tears sprung to Shepard's eyes and she closed them tightly, wrapping her arms around her knees. She had managed to hold it together so well since being brought out of stasis in the middle of a station attack - Shepard was good at autopilot, doing the things that needed doing, getting the things done that needed to get done. Years of training, mental discipline, quick reflexes - all of these things had combined into her own hearty form of survival mode. Up until being spaced, Shepard had been pretty good at staying alive - isn't that when Anderson had told her once? That part of being as good of an officer as she was came from her uncanny ability to live? Nihlus had told her it was even an admirable trait, and one Shepard seemed to have mastered. Even when she was killed, she survived.

Now, however, emotion, longing, and misery quelled any survival tactics. Tears slid down her face, mingling with the hot water. She tried to rein them in, but with little success. For several long moments, she gasped for air between sobs. Finally, she felt her body relax, all of the frustration suddenly spent.

The reunion hadn't gone any better than it could have, not when Kaidan refused to understand her position. _"I'm an Alliance soldier, through and through."_

Caught between a rock and a hard place in those early few days, Shepard had challenged herself over and over to come up with a different plan. She had always thought the same of herself - even after being made a Spectre. She had still been part of the Alliance military and didn't hesitate, on some occasions, to make decisions based on her Alliance loyalty before the Council's own interests. The shock, the disgust, the disbelief Kaidan had expressed about her working for Cerberus struck something deep within her. Until then, Mackenzie had managed to keep her personal feelings of the organization separate from the mission at hand. But the judging from the only person she vehemently wished understood her unique position was too much. He was right, perhaps - maybe there was another way to defeat the Reapers? More she could have done or said to the Alliance and the Council to get them to understand? Shepard was famous - surely, if needed, she could rouse the troops and get the public on her side. Would any of those efforts been worth it? To what end should she have exhausted alternative options? As much as she hated admitting it, The Illusive Man had been right, at least in one regard. This mission, this duty, it was hers. And hers alone. She would be foolish to turn away the resources, expertise, and support she had been given, even if the person extending their hand had been her enemy.

"The enemy of my enemy is my friend." She didn't like it. Of course, she wished there was another option, a different path.

Shepard stood then, forcing herself reclaim her countenance. She reached for shampoo and began scrubbing vigorously at her scalp. The only thing to do was to move forward, to do her job, and hope. Mackenzie had always been hopeful - at least, before she had been killed. Hope was something that had sustained her through many hard times, dark nights, long periods of depressing silence. She would not lose hope that one day, maybe even one day soon, he would understand the choices she had been forced to make, the actions she would be forced to do. In the meantime, Shepard would do as she had done since she awoke on the operating table, staring at the metal ceiling of a Cerberus space station. She would do her duty, continue the mission, with the memories of Kaidan and her feelings about him tucked far within her, continually acting as her barometer for her humanity, her constant source of goodness.


	2. Chapter 2: Regret

**Chapter Two: Regret**

Kaidan had not stayed on Horizon any longer than he had to. Alliance ships had already been en route to answer the colony's belated distress signal. One short conversation to Admiral Hackett and one of the ships, the SVV Helena, had been ordered to pick Kaidan up and proceed immediately to the Citadel, post haste. Eighteen long hours later, Kaidan found himself pacing outside Anderson's office. The Councilor was meeting with an asari matriarch and was running late. Kaidan had a raging headache and wanted nothing more than a full night's sleep, somewhere dark, quiet, and completely private. He sighed heavily, falling into a seat outside the door, loud enough that Anderson's young secretary looked up, alarmed.

Ten minutes later, Anderson's office door hissed open. Anderson spoke a few more brief words with the asari matriarch, who smiled graciously at him, before taking her leave. Anderson turned to his secretary, who handed him a few OSDs, before finally turning to Kaidan. He looked worn and defeated. "Commander Alenko, please come in."

Kaidan rose and followed Anderson into the office. He motioned for him to sit down and then took his seat on the other side of the desk, heaving a great sigh as he sat down. It wouldn't be too far off from saying that Anderson looked to be carrying the weight of the known galaxy upon his shoulders.

"I read your report." It was a statement, not an enquiry. "The Council is not going to like it."

Kaidan cleared his throat. "With all due respect, Councilor, but the Council is going to have to. Cerberus is not behind The Collector attacks." He paused, then pushed on. "It was naive of Alliance Intel to think so from the very beginning, sir."

Anderson nodded his head, absently. "Yes, that much is obvious." He stood abruptly and turned his back to Kaidan, walking out to look across the Presidium. "However, convincing the Council it is not Cerberus abducting human colonies won't be easy. It's easier for them to think it's a human problem. Us versus Cerberus, if you will. They may even go as far to say the Collectors are working for Cerberus. Or Batarian slavers. Or someone else." He sighed. "They refuse to even consider the Reapers."

"I understand, Councilor." Kaidan's jaw tightened, Shepard's words echoing in his head. "_The Alliance turned their back on them. Cerberus is the only group willing to do something about it." _He stood, trying to dislodge her voice in his head. A low hum of anger began to swell inside of him - at himself, at Anderson, at the Council, at Shepard. "Is there anything else, sir?"

Anderson turned. "Yes." A long pause stretched out between the two men. "I just wanted to say that...I'm sorry. That I couldn't tell you about Shepard." Kaidan's jaw clenched. He wasn't even going to bring it up, since it would do little good. Anderson had known when he sent Kaidan to Horizon that Shepard was alive; he had probably already confirmed her new alliance with Cerberus, as well. For all Kaidan knew, Cerberus had put the word out themselves, eager to claim the bragging rights of bringing the illustrious Commander Shepard back from the dead for her to work for them.

"I understand, sir." Kaidan heard himself say, even though he didn't understand, not really.

"I know you two had some history. I thought it would be easier for you to confirm the rumors yourself." Anderson tugged at his formal garb and leaned back against the railing. "I never expected her to show up on my own doorstep before you had the chance to do that."

Kaidan started. "Excuse me, Sir?"

He looked up from the floor. "Shepard. She showed up here just a few days after you left for Horizon. Marched right into my office - I thought Udina was going to have a heart attack."

"I didn't realize she had been to see you." Kaidan finally said, his mind spinning. The fact that Anderson had blatantly lied to Kaidan about the supposed rumors of Shepard's reincarnation seemed of little consequence now. Anderson had known Kaidan had heard the rumors and still needed him to go to Horizon as bait, and Kaidan wouldn't have believed the rumors until he saw the real thing himself.

"Yes, she must have come on her way to Horizon."

Kaidan had nothing else to say. His head was pounding. "If that is all, Councilor..."

"Of course, Commander. Take 48 hours. We'll talk in a few days." Kaidan turned to leave. "It was...good to see her, even given the circumstances." Anderson said after him. Kaidan stopped by the door before turning to look across the large office at Anderson as he continued. "She asked about you, Commander. I couldn't tell her anything, but...for what it's worth."

"Yes, sir." Kaidan nodded curtly before retreating, his mind and body awash in exhaustion, confusion, guilt, and regret.


	3. Chapter 3: Message

**Chapter 3: Message **

Kaidan had a small apartment located in heavily human-populated section of the Wards. Expecting to be reassigned like the rest of the Normandy crew after Shepard's death, he had been surprised at his reassignment (and subsequent promotion) to the Citadel, as a special reconnaissance officer for Councilor Anderson. His apartment was minimally furnished, even though he had lived there for over two years. However, it provided more space and time to himself than he'd had since childhood, after more than a decade spent on spaceships living in close quarters with his other soldiers.

The next morning, Kaidan appreciated the silence. He had crashed the night before, after heavily medicating himself with anti-migraine medication, and had slept for more than fourteen hours. While his body felt rested as he sat down in front of his computer with a fresh pot of coffee, his mind was still full and burdensome. Taking a hesitant sip of the hot coffee, Kaidan looked over his messages from the past week. There was a short message from his mother, asking how he was. A few official inquiries about past missions from Alliance Intelligence. A joke forwarded from an old friend of Kaidan's, Corporal Sam Rogers, who had served for many hears on the SSV Galway. And a short message from Alyssa.

Kaidan sighed, aloud, and irritably. Alyssa was a doctor, recently assigned to a private medical clinic on the Citadel to attend to the ever-growing population of humans on the station. Ever since the Council had been lost on the attack of the Citadel, humans had been flocking to the Citadel, wishing to immerse themselves in the new center humanity's political power. Kaidan heard the complaints from other species around the Wards – Turians complaining about the smell, Asari waitresses complaining about human rudeness, Volus complaining about…well, just about everything else. Humans were everywhere on the Citdel these days.

Kaidan tapped on the message and scanned it quickly.

_Hey there – Just wanted to check in on how things were going on your mission, since it's been a few weeks since I heard from you. I know you said you couldn't tell me much, but I hope things are going well for you. It's been busy here at the Clinic – we're still short staffed, so I've been assisting our OBGYN specialist. I've even helped deliver a few babies in the last few weeks! I know you have no real idea when you'll be back on the Citadel, but let me know when you're free for dinner when you get back. I'd love to see you again. Keep in touch. --- Alyssa_

Ho boy. Kaidan leaned back in his chair. He had met Dr. Alyssa White for drinks just a week before he had left for Horizon, after being introduced to her while Sam Rogers and the SSV Galway had been in port for a few days. It had taken a lot of convincing on Rogers's part to convince Kaidan to accept her direct and deliberate invitation for drinks. Kaidan had not been out with anyone since Shepard's death – and hadn't planned on changing that anytime soon. Rogers, and his shipmates, had other plans, of course, and after many pep talks (and many beers), Kaidan had reluctantly agreed.

Even given his initial reluctance, Kaidan had been surprised at the pleasant evening he had shared with Alyssa. Drinks had blended into an early dinner. The conversation had been neutral but engaging, with them swapping stories of boot camp, medical school, and their favorite eateries in Canada on Earth. Alyssa had been raised in Montreal until her teenage years, when her father had taken a civilian post in an Alliance medical facility on Mars. She could certainly be described as witty and direct as Commander Shepard ever was, but was markedly more feminine, polite, and sociable. They had gotten together for one other dinner the night before Kaidan had shipped out.

Over the last several weeks he had been stationed on Horizon, they had kept in sporadic touch. It had been friendly but engaging – and had been a welcome distraction for Kaidan. It was comforting for him to receive mail that wasn't from his mother, asking him to be safe, but instead included funny anectodes about the medical clinic, the latest gossip on the Citadel, and a non-biased news feed of galactic events. Having been out of the traditional dating game for many years, even before his involvement with Shepard, Kaidan hadn't had the slightest clue how to respond to her messages, but he had obviously been friendly enough. However, after everything that had happened, he still was at a loss on how he should reply, aside from wishing he could pointedly ignore it. Alyssa had been aware Kaidan had served with Shepard, but he doubted she would have been able to pick up on the exact nature of their relationship. Not many people knew about it – it hadn't been until several months after Shepard's death that Kaidan had even admitted it to Sam and they had been friends since basic training.

Getting up from this computer console, Kaidan took his coffee to the small living room window, overlooking the busy promenade far below him. His stomach twisted as he replayed their encounter on Horizon again. What used to translate as a dull aching memory in the back of his mind whenever he thought of Shepard had morphed into a stabbing pang of guilt. He had tried not to believe the rumors until he had validated them himself, but as soon as Alliance Intel had sent him the early reports of someone fitting Shepard's description having been sighted on Omega, he knew it was her. And while he had always naively wished something – anything – could bring her back to him, the reality was vastly different.

Kaidan turned and walked back to his computer, tapped in a few commands, and then stepped back to wait. A moment later, the holographic image of Liara T'Soni was standing in his living room.

"Commander Alenko!" Her voice was full of surprise. Her wide, asari eyes searched Kaidan's face for a possible answer to the unexpected communication. "What a pleasant surprise!"

"Liara…hi." Kaidan sat down and leaned in to her image. She looked at him expectantly. "Listen…" He rubbed the back of his neck – his nervous twitch. "I need your help. As I'm sure you've heard…Shepard is back." Liara merely stared at him, giving away nothing but the barest nod of her head. "I ran into her…on Horizon. Just a few days ago. She's…with Cerberus."

"Yes," the asari replied. Kaidan blushed, hoping it didn't show through the holographic communication. None of this information was new to Liara. He knew Liara had established her own information brokerage firm, so he should have expected she would have learned about Shepard by now. She probably knew even before Alliance Intel did.

"Look, Liara, it didn't…go very well. And…well… I need some information. And since that's your business now…"

"It is, Commander." She cocked her head. "However, I find I am not at able to provide you with the information you seek."

She watched his face fall, defeated. "So you don't know where she's at? How to contact her?"

Liara's voice was light. "That is not what I said, Commander Alenko. I said I am not able to provide you with the information."

Kaidan's anger flared and he jumped to his feet. "What the hell, Liara?" She showed no reaction. "If it's money you want, I can pay for it."

"It is not a question of cost." Liara turned away from Kaidan and took a few steps into her office. Kaidan couldn't see the vista behind her, but she stared at it for several long, empty moments. "It is a question of principle."

"Principle?" Kaidan nearly spat the word. "How can you talk about principle when we're discussing the sale of information for me to contact my dead ex-girlfriend who has been reincarnated by a human terrorist organization? How do you figure that?"

Liara's voice was low. "Commander, please remember you were not the only one with strong feelings for Commander Shepard." She turned back to him, her face tight. She was fighting for composure. "I have no hesitation in providing you – yourself – with her contact information. However, I am weary to pass it on due to your association. You have always held a deep suspicion for Cerberus. And you are now a notable officer in Alliance Command." She stared at him. "I cannot let outside influence interfere with her mission."

Kaidan clamped his fists at his side, pulling on years of mental discipline to keep his emotions in check. "Liara…" He started and then stopped. "I'm…I'm not contacting you on behalf of the Alliance. This is no mission. No ulterior motive. I am acting under my own volition to ask you, as a friend, as an old comrade, to give me her contact information. I just need to…clear some things up." He raked a hand through his hair. "It's been a long two years, Liara. I just…want to make things right."

Neither one of them spoke for almost a minute. Then, Liara cleared her throat, politely. "I have a proposal, Kaidan." The use of his first name caused him to look up from where he had been staring at the floor. "I still find myself unable to release the information to you directly. While I believe what you say, I cannot risk the information falling into Alliance hands with my name attached to it." He started to protest but she held up one hand. "However…if you would like to send Shepard a message, send it to me. I can forward it to her with your information attached. She will never know it didn't come from you. Then, if she chooses to respond, it will be her decision." When Kaidan said nothing, she gently prodded. "I am sorry. That is the best I can do."

"Very well. I agree. I'll send along the message by the end of the day." Liara inclined her head in response and reached towards the disconnect button on her computer console. "Liara, wait." She paused. "Uh, thanks. Really. I appreciate this."

"Of course, Commander. Be well." Her image disappeared and Kaidan was once again alone in his apartment.


	4. Chapter 4: Loose Ends

**Chapter Four: Loose Ends**

It had been a long day. Mackenzie's body ached from storming a cargo terminal in order to secure Oriana's safe passage off of Illium. Her ears rang with the whistle and bangs of gunfire. However, she would be well on her way to a good night's sleep as soon as she finished up a few loose ends. With a quick stop off at the bridge and one last check on Miranda, she could almost feel the softness of the king-sized mattress in her quarters. Civilian upgrades, indeed. After days like hers, Mackenzie was grateful for the leather seats, cushy mattresses, and increased thread count in sheets.

Tomorrow promised to be another busy day. Due to the suddenness of Miranda's mission, there had been a quick change of plans when they had arrived on Illium. Oriana's shuttle's departure had been moved up – they were lucky to have arrived when they did. Any plan Mackenzie had on meeting with Liara T'Soni had been canceled. Luckily, one of the other civilian upgrades had been the inclusion of a personal assistant for the commanding officer. Shepard had not given many direct assignments to Kelly since the launch of the Normandy, but she had found a good use for her today. Kelly had expertly and efficiently made an appointment with Liara for the following morning, through Liara's own assistant, an asari named Nyxeris. Shepard was hopeful her reunion with Liara the following morning would go smoother than the one with Kaidan had.

Mackenzie frowned as she entered the bridge. Her pep talk to herself from just the week before had not done as much as she had hoped to comfort her and she found herself still split between anger at Kaidan's reaction, frustration at the ensuing silence, and despair that there was nothing she could do to change any of it.

"Commander Shepard, good evening." Kelly turned around as the elevator door hissed open, admitting Mackenzie to the bridge.

"Back at you, Kelly. Status report?"

"You have unread messages at your private terminal. Your meeting with Liara is scheduled for 0800, local standard time. My sources indicate she should have information on how to locate your next two dossiers." She paused. "Do you require anything else, Commander?"

"No, I was just checking in. Thanks for making the arrangements with Liara. Go on and get some sleep. I just wanted to check in before turning in myself."

"Very well, Commander. Sleep tight." Kelly smiled forwardly at Shepard and then turned to leave the bridge. Mackenzie opened her private terminal to scan her messages and her breath caught in her throat. The message she had anticipated, dreaded, and privately agonized over glared up at her from her inbox. From: Kaidan Alenko. To: Commander Shepard. Subject: About Horizon.

A million messages swirled around Shepard's head while she stared at the subject line. How had he gotten her contact information? Shepard's personal messaging system had been shut down after her death. This account had been opened by Cerberus, for official Cerberus business, and for the most part, Shepard had ignored it. She read the messages she received, but she had yet to respond to any message. Even when Admiral Hackett and Anderson had sent out feeler messages, she hadn't had the heart to respond. What would she say? And more importantly, who else was reading? But Kaidan…

She clicked on the console to open the message.

_Shepard,_

_I'm sorry for what I said back on Horizon. I spent two years pulling myself back together after you went down with the Normandy. It took me a long time to get over my guilt for surviving and move on. I'd finally let my friends talk me into going out for drinks with a doctor on the Citadel. Nothing serious, but trying to let myself have a life again, you know?_

_Then I saw you again and everything pulled hard to port. You were standing in front of me, but you were with Cerberus. I guess I really don't know who either of us is anymore. Do you even remember that night before Ilos? That night meant everything to me...maybe it meant as much to you. But a lot has changed in the last two years and I can't just put that aside. But please be careful._

_I've watched too many people close to me die – on Eden Prime, on Virmire, on Horizon, on the Normandy. I couldn't bear it if I lost you again. If you're still the woman I remember, I know you'll find a way to stop these Collector attacks. But Cerberus is too dangerous to be trusted. Watch yourself. When things have settled down a little...maybe...I don't know. Just take care._

_- Kaidan_

When she finished reading, she went back and read it again. And then abruptly closed the message. God damn him. While Shepard had secretly been hoping Kaidan would reach out to her in some capacity after they had both had some distance from Horizon, she didn't realize how deeply one message may affect her.

_Do you even remember that night before Ilos?_ Of course she did. And the weeks spent on Earth after the destruction of the Citadel. The promise that they would make it work. Somehow. She remembered the look of fear in his eyes as he'd stared at her as the Normandy exploded around them and she ordered him to abandon ship, could almost hear the words he didn't quite say. She could recite, almost at verbatim, the pinnacle conversations they had shared during the hunt for Saren – every stolen moment, touch on the shoulder, eyes meeting in mutual understanding.

Mackenzie sighed loudly and shut off her personal terminal. She couldn't think about the message anymore. She needed to check in on Miranda.

The crew deck was dimly lit – any off duty crewmembers were most likely asleep. No one was even sitting up in the mess. Miranda's door console was still illuminated, though, signaling the brunette woman had not yet turned in herself. Not surprisingly, she probably had just as much to think about as Mackenzie did. Killing your childhood best friend to save your sister most likely would not make for very peaceful sleep.

The door opened to find Miranda sitting at her desk. She looked up as Shepard came through the door. "Commander." She nodded her head towards the seat across her desk and Mackenzie slipped into it. "I was hoping you'd stop by. I wanted to thank you again. For taking the time to help me with my sister. I couldn't have reached Oriana in time without your help." She stood up from her desk and moved to the large window. Shepard rose to stand behind her.

"I'm glad you had the opportunity to talk to her," Mackenzie said, hoping her voice portrayed the genuineness she felt. Things hadn't exactly been easy between her and Miranda Lawson, but today had definitely demonstrated to Shepard that Miranda was as human as she was.

"Me, too. I'm glad you convinced me to do so." She smiled weakly, almost to herself. "Oriana has what I always wanted – her own life and the freedom to choose her own path. And now she knows she has an older sister – a friend, even."

"Do you think you'll talk to her again?" Mackenzie watched Miranda absorb the question, thinking about it seriously. For a woman who had obviously survived well into her own adulthood with minimal family connections, Shepard couldn't be certain if Miranda knew how to handle a prolonged relationship with anyone, much less the distant kin she had protected for the past nineteen years.

"I honestly don't know," Miranda finally answered, after several moments of contemplative silence. "For once I haven't planned that far ahead. I think I would like to." She looked up at Shepard. "However, it will not compromise the mission. I am 100% committed to you and to see this mission through. For what happens afterwards..." She trailed off and when she finished her thought, her voice was achingly bittersweet. "It complicates things, though, doesn't it? I need to be completely focused on the mission. And…I am. But knowing that she is out there, that she knows who I am…it makes it more difficult to think about what happens if we don't make it back."

Her words felt like a punch to Shepard's stomach. _When things have settled down a little...maybe...I don't know._ Miranda was right – what happened if they didn't make it back? Shepard's face was hot as she stood from the couch. "I'm glad things worked out, Miranda. With Oriana. I'll see you tomorrow morning to meet with Liara."

Miranda nodded. "Of course, Commander." Shepard turned to leave. "Commander?" Miranda stood and Shepard looked back over her shoulder. "Perhaps you should think about tying up your own loose ends…just like the rest of us."

Mackenzie's temper flared. For the most part, Shepard kept her temper in check. She was a do-er, not a complainer. But she was tired, hurting, and just as human as Miranda had proved to be. Shepard took an angry step towards Miranda, suddenly on edge, her stance combative. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" A thousand questions bombarded her mind. Was Cerberus reading her mail? Did Kaidan's message go through Miranda first before reaching her own inbox? Had The Illusive Man said something to Miranda about Shepard's commitment to the mission?

With her eyes narrowed, Mackenzie scrutinized Miranda, searching her face for any hint of coercion. Surprisingly, she found none. Miranda peered back at her, her face (for once) open, calm, and slightly concerned. Something had changed between the two women that day, somewhere deep within the cargo terminal as they ran against the clock, as Shepard hopelessly comforted Miranda after shooting Niket, as Miranda enthusiastically described the woman her sister had become. Something had changed and Shepard's accusation did not ignite Miranda's own temper. It was clear Miranda's comment was not being made out of malice or with an ulterior motive behind it. It was, instead, her own way of reaching out across the table, extending an olive branch to their previously rocky relationship.

Feeling slightly ashamed, Shepard crossed the room and sat down again next to Miranda. "I'm sorry," she said, her voice exhausted.

"I didn't mean any offense, Commander. But… I was there on Horizon. I know about your previous relationship with Commander Alenko." "Remember, I studied you for two years. There is...very little we...I...do not know about you."

"It's easier to ignore how much you know about me, Miranda, than having it confirmed." She was silent, choosing her words carefully in a strong attempt to convince Miranda and herself of their validity. "Listen, I was brought back for this mission. I know my duty. I've accepted that. Everything else...well, it'll just have to wait. Ultimately, it may not be important. The mission is."

Miranda's answer surprised her. "With all due respect, Commander. I disagree." Miranda stood, walked back to her desk, and then turned. "Project Lazarus's objective was to bring you back, as close as possible to the woman you were when you died. Physically, intellectually, mentally, even romantically. We studied every variable of your life for months - the best neurological and psychological specialists in the galaxy were assigned to the project. I told you before I suggested additional enhancements beyond your previous capabilities and The Illusive Man denied me. Now I understand why. If this mission is going to succeed - if _we're_ going to succeed - nothing that could affect your individuality can be ignored. In fact, I would argue it could negatively impact the mission if you chose to do so." Then, she shrugged. "Shepard, I'm the last woman in the universe you should listen to for relationship advice of any kind, especially considering what happened today. But...we all need something - someone - to fight for. You showed me that."

This conversation was more than Mackenzie could handle. She stood. "Thanks for the talk, Miranda. Sleep well." She left the office before hearing Miranda's reply.

When she got to her quarters, Shepard sat down at her console, quickly punched in a message, and was about hit send before she stopped herself. No. This wasn't fair. Not to him. It was better this way.

Instead, she turned away from the monitor, peeling her uniform off to get ready for bed. The glow of the computer screen filled the dark room with a yellow glow as she lay awake and tried desperately to fall asleep.

_Kaidan,_

_I remember everything as if I lived it yesterday, because that's how it feels. I know it's been two years, but for me it feels like only a few months. I remember the night before Ilos, the weeks we spent on Earth, and every other moment that passed between us while we were hunting down Saren. I remember all of it. For what it's worth, those memories are what get me through. We all have to have something to fight for, right? I'm fighting for those memories. _

_I love you._

_-Mackenzie_

***


	5. Chapter 5: Reopen

**Chapter Five: Reopen **

A week later found Kaidan heading back to Anderson's office. He had spent most of the last several days since arriving back on the Citadel sleeping, with the heavy assistance of strong sleeping medication and anti-migraine pills. His headaches, which had only grown worse after Shepard's death, had kept him down for the better part of a week. Anderson had approved the extra leave, even as Admiral Hackett was urgently awaiting a full debriefing. Kaidan spent the unplanned downtime tidying what he could in his small apartment and catching up with Alyssa.

Alyssa had been excited to see him. He hadn't expected it, but her reaction had pleased him and made him momentarily forget the radio silence from Shepard. Their dinners had been friendly and comfortable. And had left him feeling more confused than ever when he had returned home.

Part of him had expected to receive a reply from Shepard within the day he had sent it. After 24 hours, he wondered if there might have been a delay on Liara's part. By that morning, he had even gone as far to question whether Liara had forwarded the message on at all. But he knew better. If her intentions hadn't been genuine, she never would have proposed making contact on his behalf.

Anderson's secretary waved Kaidan past into Anderson's office. This time, Anderson wasn't alone. He was joined by Udina in person and Admiral Hackett was on the comm. Udina looked more fidgety and annoyed than normal as he paced back and forth behind Anderson's desk, a deep scowl on his face. For his part, Councilor Anderson stayed seated. He appeared no less worn out than several days before – Kaidan couldn't help but wonder if Shepard had noticed how much he didn't seem to enjoy the job she had recommended him for.

Kaidan hung back by the door as Udina and Hackett battled it out. It was about Shepard. Of course it was about Shepard.

"With all due respect, _Admiral-_" Udina spit the word out at the speaker as he abruptly turned to acknowledge Kaidan's entrance with a stern look, "but I do not see the need for any further discussion regarding Commander Shepard's apparent resurrection. She has been reinstated as Spectre and ordered to stay out in the Terminus systems."

Hackett's low chuckle did nothing to help Udina's red face. "With all due respect, _Mister Udina,_ but since the Council has made it very clear the disappearance of human colonies is strictly humanity's problem, we disagree. Commander Alenko's report changes everything. Regardless of who is behind the Collector attacks, without the support of the Council, any human colony is vulnerable. While I've heard rebuilding is proceeding on an accelerated pace on the Citadel, the Fifth Fleet is not so lucky. Our resources are still stretched to capacity from the attack two years ago. If Shepard is back and if she is working with Cerberus, we must have a plan in place. We need more information."

Udina snorted and stalked away towards the view of the Presidium. Anderson motioned for Kaidan to sit down across from him and took control of the meeting. "Admiral, Commander Alenko has arrived." He cleared his throat and threw a glance back at Udina before continuing. "While I appreciate the viewpoints my assistant has raised, I am in full agreement with the Alliance brass. I'm getting no where with the other Council members and am not willing to just sit here and wait on the off chance Shepard will show up in my office again. Her reemergence has already been confirmed on the news vids – people are starting to ask questions. There was an interview just this morning with a mechanic survivor from Horizon."

Kaidan sighed inwardly to himself. Delan. Admiral Hackett was talking again. "Good. I've already started to assemble our team. Let me know if you make any headway with the Council. Send Alenko to Arcturus Station as soon as possible. Fifth fleet out."

Communication was cut. Udina cleared his throat loudly. Anderson simply stared at him until the older man made a hurried goodbye and exited to his own office. Anderson relaxed visibly as the door shut behind Udina. Before proceeding with mission specifics, he regarded Kaidan closely. "How are you feeling, Commander?"

"Fine, sir. Much better. What are the mission details?"

Anderson smiled, in spite of himself. "Not many this time, Alenko. You're to leave for Arcturus tonight – the SSV Cairo is making a detour to pick you up. You will a key member in the discussions. You and I both know something bigger is at work here. Work with Admiral Hackett and his team to develop a response to any future human colony abductions." He paused. "I don't imagine these meetings will be very comfortable for you at times, Commander. Admiral Hackett is going to want to know every thing that was ever said between you and Shepard. You're the last link we have with the Normandy's old crew. Hackett will have had Alliance Intel performing a thorough analysis of Shepard's record, as well as Normandy mission reports. Be prepared."

Kaidan frowned. "Aye aye, sir." He and Anderson both stood. Kaidan saluted and exited, his mind reeling. Having his entire relationship with Shepard drudged up in a meeting with high-ranking Alliance brass almost had him wishing he had joined Shepard on Horizon.

He took a longer walk back to his apartment, past the medical clinic Alyssa worked at. On a whim, he stopped in. The clinic wasn't very big and with most of the office staff at lunch, Alyssa noticed him immediately. She smiled broadly as she came out from the backroom. "Kaidan!" Her smile disappeared. "Are you ill?"

Kaidan quickly shook his head. "Uh, no. No. I was just…in the neighborhood. So I thought I'd drop by. Maybe…take you to lunch?" The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them. Alyssa smiled wider, obviously pleased. She was a pretty woman – tan skin, her hair a dark auburn brown, with brown eyes. She wasn't nearly as tall as Kaidan (or Shepard) and her build was refreshingly slim. She moved gracefully as she took off her white lab coat, an obvious departure from the confident steps Kaidan was accustomed to around career military women.

They went to lunch on the Zakera Ward to a new Japanese place that had recently opened. Zakera Ward was packed as they squeezed into the last two places around the bar. Alyssa had been asked just that morning to become a permanent member of the medical clinic's OBGYN unit and Kaidan couldn't help but smile at her as she told him about the patient who had come in earlier that morning. A human woman whose Alliance boyfriend had made it clear raising children wasn't for him had come in to the clinic with her new partner – a tall pale blue Asari. It was the first inter-species couple Alyssa had treated. "I may start some birthing classes – I wonder if they'd be interested…" She pondered as she selected a piece of sushi from the plate they were splitting. She shook her head, still chuckling to herself and then looked up at Kaidan. "I'm sorry, I'm being awfully rude. I haven't even asked about you. You met with Councilor Anderson this morning, right?"

Kaidan cleared his throat. "Uh, yeah. Actually, I'm leaving for Arcturus tonight."

Alyssa was visibly disappointed but she hid it well. "Oh! Well, that's…great…! Right?" She smiled. "I'm sorry, I'm just not sure what the right reaction should be. I mean, you just got back! I was hoping they'd keep you around for awhile."

"Yeah…there are some meetings on Arcturus I'm supposed to be part of. I don't know how long I'll be gone."

"Not weeks, right? I mean, this isn't like the colony deployment, is it?" She shuddered. "Gosh, the colony attacks are getting scarier and scarier. My parents thought about joining a colony when my brother and me were young…before Dad got stationed to Mars. I can't even imagine it."

Kaidan didn't know how to respond, so he said nothing. Alyssa hurriedly turned her attention to finishing her lunch.

Overhead, between the din of the chefs, the other customers talking, and the buzz from the Citadel Promenade, a news feed cut through. "A human survivor of the latest human colony attack has spoken with Westerlund's own Khalisah Bint Sinan Al-Jilani. Stay tuned for his exclusive interview on the return of Commander Shepard…."

The news feed fell like a brick between Kaidan and Alyssa. She pushed her plate away, tucked a loose piece of hair behind her ear, and then tentatively reached across the table to take Kaidan's hand. "I heard that report this morning. Are you okay? Have you heard-" She stopped. Kaidan couldn't tell whether she had just pieced together that _he _was the Alliance operative Delan referenced in the report or whether she simply didn't know how to bring up Shepard.

Kaidan resisted the urge to pull his arm away, mentally forcing himself to keep his cool. Whatever tight control he normally had on his emotions had certainly been tested ever since his run in with Shepard. But then again, she was always good at getting under his skin. Regardless, Alyssa's concern was genuine and his lonely side appreciated her concern. It had been a long two years. "Yeah, I'm … fine." He wasn't sure what else to say, finding inadequate words and Alliance protocol prohibiting him to explain anything more. "Listen, I should get back to my apartment to pack."

Alyssa nodded quickly, withdrawing her hand. "Of course. You have things you need to do. And I need to review the charts for my afternoon appointments." They both stood up and made their way to the front of the restaurant. Kaidan turned awkwardly to her, not sure of how best to say goodbye. Man, he was horrible at these things.

Suddenly, Alyssa was much closer to him than he had anticipated as she smoothly pulled him into a tight hug. "Take care of yourself out there, soldier," she murmured to him, her arms wrapped around his neck. She pecked him on the cheek and then stepped back, her eyes serious. "I'll see you when you get back, right? I'll be here."

With a squeeze on his shoulder, she was gone.

Kaidan watched her disappear into the crowds. He stood there, alone, for several moments, his mind muddled and full. A month ago – before Horizon, before Shepard, before Cerberus – Kaidan had felt ready to entertain the idea about starting over with someone new. Someone stable, someone non-military, someone kind, patient, and steady. Someone like Alyssa. "_So much time has passed. You've moved on. I don't want to reopen old wounds."_ Well, there was something Kaidan could fault Shepard for. Old wounds certainly felt reopened.


	6. Chapter 6: Running

**Author's Note: I apologize for disappearing! Graduate school has gotten the better of me and stolen all my creative thoughts for the ME universe. Hope to be back soon with a longer chapter!**

*******

**Chapter Six: Running**

_Thump. Thump. Thump._

Mackenzie's footsteps echoed off the walls of the empty observation lounge as she ran, stationary, on a treadmill. Without looking at the display to see how fast she was running, she increased the speed, pushing herself to run faster.

_Thump thump thump. Thump. Thump. Thump._

She had grown stronger in the past month. Wilson may have been able to graft skin and regrow organs, but solid muscle mass was something to be earned, not given. There was still work to be done. It was okay, though – Mackenzie was a marine. If she knew how to do only one thing, it was running. (Or firing a gun.)

_Thump thump thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump._

Her mind was muddled with what she had learned from Liara over the last several days – information that forced Shepard to face, once again it seemed, the two years she had missed. Those two years were Shepard's proverbial elephant in the room. Everything she seemed to do continually reminded her of the time she had lost. Or cruelly reinforced how others' lives had been transformed after her death.

As she ran, Shepard thought of Liara. The Shadow Broker had been willing to sell her lifeless body to the highest bidder. Liara had risked everything in order to deliver her corpse into Cerberus's waiting hands and now had her own personal vendetta to settle against The Shadow Broker. She was hardened and determined – and if Shepard was honest with herself, glorious in that role. Mackenzie had little doubt Liara would achieve her goal and she could only hope it would bring her the satisfaction she craved.

_Thump thump thump thump thump._

Shepard's breathing grew heavy. She was starting to tire, having pushed herself past her goal of 8K. Doing long runs was only part of the exercise regiment she had developed for herself and used to be one of her most treasured habits. Long runs guaranteed her a certain set of time to herself – to think, to relax, to be.

Mackenzie, before she had died, had not kept a rigid schedule, save for her running schedule. She was trained to be flexible, to go with the flow. However, running was sacred – something she did for herself, regardless of where she was or what she was doing. And she very seldom let anyone infringe on her time.

Mackenzie eased the treadmill to a lower speed to begin her cool down. She dabbed at her sweaty face and neck with a towel that had been hanging over the arm of the treadmill. Now that she thought about it, the last person to accompany on any run had been Kaidan.

_It had been during their short few weeks spent on Earth between the destruction of the Citadel and being sent out again to search for rogue Geth. Mackenzie had left the plans of their shore leave entirely up to Kaidan – her only request had been for him to take her to Earth, since she had never spent much time there as a child. _

_Kaidan had found a cabin on the Pacific Coast, as far as you could get from the booming metropolis of Vancouver. It was far, far to the north, not yet to the territories of Alaska, with its booming arts and music scene. The trees were tall and the sun was warm. It was far enough for know one to give them any trouble, but close enough for Kaidan to spend a few days with his family. He had offered for her to accompany him on those visits, but she had politely declined. Families complicated things and if Shepard needed anything during those weeks, it was no complications._

_She had risen later than normal during those first few days, enjoying the last few vestiges of sleep. Kaidan was due to join his family in Vancouver for brunch and was already in the shower when she finally roused herself from bed. She scrounged through her duffel bag for a pair of N7 running shorts and a t-shirt and was almost out the door when Kaidan came out of the bathroom, a towel wrapped tightly around his waist._

"_Leaving without even saying goodbye, Commander?" His voice was teasing. "Do you use all of your lieutenants like this?" Things had been easy and fun between the two of them, as they both struggled to push the dark, tense, and stressful memories from the past few months away from their time together._

"_Just going for a run." Mackenzie paused at the door, looking from Kaidan to the clock sitting on the bed table behind him. The words were out of her mouth before she even realized it. "Do you want to come with? I mean, if you can keep up…"_

_Kaidan glanced at the clock himself before nodding, a sly smile playing on his face. "I could spare an hour."_

_They had found a trail on a walk the day before, which ran up the hill from the beach and through the dark woods surrounding their cabin. Kaidan wasn't a runner by choice, but he kept up as she set the pace. The trail was wide enough that they could run side by side. Mackenzie relished the feel of running out doors – it was a completely new experience for her. The wind whipped her face, cooling the sweat beading on her neck. Kaidan's constant presence pushed her to go farther and faster. They didn't speak as the morning sun broke through in patches, spilling onto the ground, as they surged deeper into the wooded forest. _

_Shepard had done her best to relax, to forget, to calm herself as best she could since she had watched the Citadel fade from view as their transport had taken them towards Earth. But for the most part, since the destruction of the Citadel and the days spent afterwards conferring with Udina and Anderson while her wounds healed, she had been numb. On autopilot. That morning, however, she felt revitalized. Her muscles burned, her legs ached, her breath came in long, ragged huffs. _

_They rounded a bend in the trail and began an uphill ascent. Halfway up the hill, when she felt as if she was going to fall flat on her face, she looked over at Kaidan. He glanced only briefly at her before turning his head back to the ground to force them up the long, steep hill, but in that moment, he smiled._

The treadmill stopped. Mackenzie stepped off. That was the first time she had thought about that day since being brought back. She had thought she had come to terms with her decision not to return Kaidan's message, but suddenly she wasn't so sure. It was apparently not as easy to bury memories from a past life as she had originally hoped. It irked her that Miranda may be right after all.


End file.
